A Letter to My Cysters: Candra Smith
A Story of Resting in God’s Plan
Having a child has been a dream of mine for years but I always wanted to wait until I got married to do that. When I didn’t get pregnant the first MONTH of trying with my husband, I wasn’t happy about it. I know, that’s not necessarily a realistic expectation, but needless to say I had a whole attitude!
I admit, I had a little fear because I had an ovary removed a few years ago due to a non-cancerous teratoma that decided to take up residence on it. So here i am, operating with one ovary, I’m 33 and I’m married to someone who already has a the most beautiful and sweetest child i know and of whom I ADORE (and who is begging for a little brother lol). Naturally, the desire is amplified to expand our family.
Fast forward to January 2020. I started spotting instead of having a period. I was hopeful but still trying to psych myself out because I hadn’t been pregnant yet and we started “trying” in August. But I had weird symptoms. Dizziness, inability to finish my food (and if you know me this is usually NOT a problem) and super painful nipples (TMI sorry). All signs pointed to pregnancy but.....I waited to test. So 10 days go by and I’m STILL spotting so i go to the doctor. Find out IM PREGNANT! BUT, my hCG levels are a little low and I’m STILL spotting. Now I’m TERRIFIED. I get home that day and now I’m actually bleeding and no longer spotting. 6 days later, my doctor calls and tells me my levels stopped, significantly. I was officially miscarrying. I was heartbroken. My husband was heartbroken. We cried. We prayed. Why me? Oh, it’s normal, well I’m not normal! This wasn’t supposed to happen TO ME! I was hurt. Sometimes, I still am. The worst part was losing the symptoms. That’s when it was real. No more soreness, no more inability to finish my food and no more dizziness. It’s been a couple months since and I’m much better mentally.
I rest in knowing that God has a plan, and he is my redeemer. We are still trying, still praying, and still trusting God in our situation. I would like to say if you are reading this, and you have experienced a miscarriage, know that God is with you, he comforts you and His timing is perfect! As I say that to you, I am preaching to myself sis! You are not alone.