A Letter to My Cysters: Candra Smith

A Story of Resting in God’s Plan

Having a child has been a dream of mine for years but I always wanted to wait until I got married to do that.   When I didn’t get pregnant the first MONTH of trying with my husband, I wasn’t happy about it.  I know, that’s not necessarily a realistic expectation, but needless to say I had a whole attitude!

 I admit, I had a little fear because I had an ovary removed a few years ago due to a non-cancerous teratoma that decided to take up residence on it. So here i am, operating with one ovary, I’m 33 and I’m married to someone who already has a the most beautiful and sweetest child i know and of whom I ADORE (and who is begging for a little brother lol). Naturally, the desire is amplified to expand our family.

Fast forward to January 2020. I started spotting instead of having a period. I was hopeful but still trying to psych myself out because I hadn’t been pregnant yet and we started “trying” in August.  But I had weird symptoms.  Dizziness, inability to finish my food (and if you know me this is usually NOT a problem) and super painful nipples (TMI sorry). All signs pointed to pregnancy but.....I waited to test.   So 10 days go by and I’m STILL spotting so i go to the doctor.  Find out IM PREGNANT!   BUT, my hCG levels are a little low and I’m STILL spotting.  Now I’m TERRIFIED.     I get home that day and now I’m actually  bleeding and no longer spotting.  6 days later, my doctor calls and tells me my levels stopped, significantly.    I was officially miscarrying.   I was heartbroken.  My husband was heartbroken.   We cried.   We prayed.   Why me?  Oh, it’s normal, well I’m not normal!   This wasn’t supposed to happen TO ME!   I was hurt.  Sometimes, I still am.  The worst part was losing the symptoms. That’s when it was real.  No more soreness, no more inability to finish my food and no more dizziness.  It’s been a couple months since and I’m much better mentally.

I rest in knowing that God has a plan, and he is my redeemer.   We are still trying, still praying, and still trusting God in our situation.  I would like to say if you are reading this, and you have experienced a miscarriage, know that God is with you, he comforts you and His timing is perfect!   As I say that to you, I am preaching to myself sis!   You are not alone. 

Love,
Candra